14 years on today

Today my incredible daughter turns 14. I still find it a little hard to celebrate her birthday. It’s supposed to be such a happy joyous day but her birth and the day of my dad’s death when her younger sister was three weeks old remain the worst days of my life.

I feel guilt for still feeling like this. I do think it affects our relationship. We can be prickly and tricky with each other. In the last year she has struggled with her mental health and been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD Dyslexia and Dyscalculia. We were warned she might have learning difficulties when she had the oxygen deprivation at birth but genuinely there were NO signs all through primary school where she was a conscientious kid who was generally near top of her class. Unfortunately the increasing demands of secondary school made the wheels fall off a bit and she has really struggled lately. She has had some memory and word muddling issues and just gone a bit Ditzy so we even pushed for an MRI again which showed all was fine thankfully. So its prob just stress and her learning needs finally being exposed.

I keep trying to reach out to connect with her but am generally rebuffed, I try to take each sister away for a night or two a couple of times a year for bonding and her turn is coming up but I can tell she isnt keen. I know its perfectly normal for teens to push away from their kids (I work with teens which in a way makes parenting them so much harder- its a whole different ballgame!)

I asked chatgpt for some help and advice on this situation and this is what it said:

For You: Working on Yourself

1. Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: Start with mindfulness exercises to stay present and avoid dwelling on past trauma. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your feelings without judgment. Remember, it’s okay to seek professional help to process these feelings.
2. Journaling: Use a journal to express your thoughts and feelings about that day and how it has affected your relationship with your daughter. Writing can be therapeutic and offer you insights into your emotions and behaviors.
3. Seek Professional Support: Consider therapy, specifically someone skilled in trauma and family dynamics, to help process your birth experience and its impact on your relationship with your daughter.
4. Personal Celebration Ritual: Create a personal ritual to acknowledge your own journey and resilience since her birth. This could be something simple like a quiet moment with a cup of tea, a walk, or writing a letter to yourself at that time, highlighting how far you’ve come.

For Your Daughter: Strengthening Your Relationship

1. Open Communication: Find a calm moment to share your feelings with her in an age-appropriate way. Explain that while her birth was challenging for you, your feelings about the birth are separate from your love for her. Reassure her of your love and commitment.
2. Special Birthday Tradition: Start a new birthday tradition that celebrates her and strengthens your bond. It could be something simple like making a special meal together, a mother-daughter photoshoot, or starting a shared hobby.
3. Quality Time: Dedicate regular one-on-one time with her to engage in activities she enjoys. This can help build mutual respect and understanding.
4. Empathy and Listening: Show empathy towards her feelings and experiences. Being a teenager can be tough, and feeling heard and understood by a parent can be incredibly validating.
5. Family Therapy: Consider family therapy as a safe space to explore and improve your relationship dynamics. It can provide both of you with tools to communicate better and understand each other’s perspectives.

For Both of You: Building a Stronger Bond

1. Shared Goals or Projects: Find something you both are interested in or care about, and work on it together. It could be a creative project, a cause, or a shared challenge like a 5K run.
2. Daily Check-Ins: Establish a routine of daily brief check-ins to share how you’re both feeling and what you’re looking forward to. This can help maintain an ongoing connection.
3. Gratitude Log: Together, keep a gratitude log where you both write down things you’re thankful for about each other and your lives. This can shift focus to the positive aspects of your relationship.
4. Body Doubling for Chores or Tasks: Use the concept of body doubling by doing tasks or chores together. This not only gets things done but also creates a space for casual interaction and teamwork.
5. Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate small achievements or moments of understanding and connection. This reinforces positive dynamics.

Remember, rebuilding and strengthening your relationship is a journey, not a destination. It’s about making small, consistent efforts and being patient with yourselves and each other.

So I guess this is what I can do, hence me revisiting this ancient blog and popping down some musings. Maybe I will start blogging again, maybe I will go nu skool and start a tiktok. Lol.

Anyhow I love my eldest so very much, just need to get better at showing it somehow. ho hum.