Still bemused how relaxed I am about going into labour, am utterly amazed that 4weeks ago post the growth scan I was a bit of a mess about my birth options and yet here I am confidently preparing to aim for a vaginal birth.
I don’t have any flashbacks at all now to Munchkin’s birth, I no longer feel a sense of dread on entering the hospital or dealing with midwives. I am calmy confident that this time it will be different to Munchkin and it will be okay and it will be better.
Its very odd. I have a friend who lives across the road from me who happens to be due the same day as me. This week she found out her baby is breech, her ECV failed so she is booked in for a section on the 10th. When I found this out I was really sad for her and oddly jealous too. I think this is because I wouldn’t mind if I had a “good reason” like a breech baby for a C-Section and I would happily swap places with her!
Don’t get me wrong I am no longer in a place of being Miss Judgypants for “some reasons for C-sections being better than others” (eg. for a breech being better than for tokophobia) because that really isn’t the case at all. If I was genuinely still scared of a vaginal birth then there would be no stopping me getting an ELCS but I simply can’t justify making that choice to myself when I am not that scared anymore (and the baby isn’t big enough and there are no other physical reasons to justify it). In a way I kinda wish I was still scared as I kinda feel CS is the safer less scary less traumatic less painful option in a weird way but I have decided to give a VB my best shot and with any luck it will be the healing experience I need and deserve.
Weirdly one of my biggest fears around going for a VB was if it all goes wrong again then I felt I would be mentally fucked, but I have been weighing up the risks of that- it is unlikely that my second birth will go as badly as my first but even if it does end up in forceps or emergency C-section- so long as I am properly supported by the health care professionals looking after me and me and Womble are alive and healthy at the end of it- then it really doesn’t matter. I think I now have the tools to feel ok with whatever happens and not be such a control freak about it. I won’t feel like a failure or guilty if I don’t get womble out by myself like I did with munchkin because now I have a new mantra a midwife friend shared with me that has really helped “Babies are born how they need to be born”- sounds a bit daft but it makes sense to me- so will just go with the flow and see what happens.
Wish me luck!