Today I relived my birth experience with #1 with my new therapist. Something which invariably makes me cry but I had been avoiding so I wanted to do it in a safe space to just remind myself I am not in that place and I am safe.
A new emotion emerged while I was talking through it all. Anger. There was a lot of swearing. I am fucking furious at some of the practitioners in that hospital and the absolutely apalling way I was treated at times. How fucking dare they treat women like that and leave them with long term psychological damage. I was not a piece of meat, I was not a silly little girl needing to overpowered, I was and am a human being who deserved to be treated with kindness and respect during a very scary vulnerable time.
The anger feels positive, I think I will be more confident to assert my rights (harder when you are in labour!) with healthcare practitioners and not let them make me feel unsafe or scared. Also when I am out the other side I am going to turn this anger to activism and do more to stop other women going through what I experienced.
At the minute I feel kinda powerful, growing a mini human, and just watch me birth her!