Last Blog Post Ever- I’m a survivor

Just back from my last ever CBT appointment and realised how far I had come since I started going last summer.

The last three years (and first three years of married life incidentally) have thrown a huge amount of shit at me, Miscarriage, traumatic birth, worries about Munchkin’s future, PTSD, dealing with a being a mum to one, moving away from all my friends to a new area and starting again, 3 Grandparents dying (including my Grandpa who I was very close to),  ectopic pregnancy, going completely loopy when pregnant with womble and dealing with the fallout from that, having womble and just when I think things are going to get better and trying to get on an even keel with being a mum of two, my dad dies. So at the minute trying to deal with a tantrumming toddler, a screaming velcro newborn, a knackered husband, a grieving mother and a mentally ill brother and grieve for my dad.

But you know what? I’m more resilient than I thought. If I have learnt anything in last three years it’s that I can and will get through this, it’s unutterably shit some of the stuff that happened but I don’t feel sorry for me (and to be honest I am slightly surprised when others do) as these things can and do happen to us all.  I have my coping strategies when the going gets tough and have a few more in my arsenal now thanks to CBT so I’m just going to get on with surviving.

Thanks blog for being one of my coping strategies but I don’t need you in the same way anymore. I have started a random rambly blog for the odd thing but I want to keep that separate to here.

Yep I may end up a gibbering wreck at some point but at the minute I have my bunker mentality on, my blitz spirit is a gogo and other warlike metaphors- so I am off to live.

“To have lived is miracle enough”

Mervyn Peake

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Ending a blog

So Omble arrived safe &sound and my PTSD is pretty much cured (although oddly did have a moment talking to a breastfeeding counsellor yesterday about munchkins birth but it was fleeting and okay.)

I have a final debrief CBT appointment on 8th March which I may report back on and then that’s it. Nothing more really to talk or rant about. Of course I might revisit this blog if we have #3 (barely coping with two so prob a bad idea!) but then I don’t think a third birth would require the same level of mental processing as #2 did.

So I guess it’s almost time to say goodbye to my little blog that has helped me so so much in recent months. Maybe I will start another rambly one about knitting vulva’s or something one day as I do love a space to blather about nonsense but this blog had a specific aim and focus that has now been achieved and so it is time to end it.

Thankyou for reading.

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Happy Anniversary to the man who didn’t grow on a tree!

H &I have been together 7years today. Something we almost forgot in the midst of dealing with two screaming little girls and the family grief at losing my dad and all the other shit going on.

My dad was fond of saying “men like him don’t grow on trees” and that I needed to cherish him. He was right of course.

My H is one of a kind awesome. Today it struck me more than ever how incredibly lucky I am and I must remember to follow my wise old dad’s advice.

Here is to many many many more happy years together, supporting each other through the rough and smooth. (&here’s hoping no more rough for a bit- I think we have been through enough in last few years thanks)

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My birth story for #2- a very different experience (long)

So some of you may have read my birth story for Munchkin (see here) and understood the reasons why I went onto develop PTSD and tokophobia especially when getting pregnant with Womble.

You may also know that despite being fairly convinced I was going to have an ELCS throughout this pregnancy to prevent a repeat of last time- in the four weeks before I gave birth I had a mahoosive change of heart and decided I wanted to proceed with a vaginal birth. Two reasons for this- a) I wasn’t scared enough anymore of having a VB and b) I didn’t think this baby was as big as Munchkin was therefore I just didn’t feel there was good enough reason not to go for it.

Here is my birth story (plus there is a version of the ones I did in tweets here).

I woke as usual in the early hours of Monday morning (9th Jan). I had been having the odd pain in the night for weeks and was fed up of the pregnancy insomnia. I got onto twitter to complain as usual. Went to the loo- felt a gush of fluid that felt like my waters had gone. Went to wake H up (he was sleeping in spare room due to my insomnia).

I started to have mild period pains and phoned the hospital who said to come in for a quick check. The lady on the phone was the labour ward co-ordinator I had met a few times with the head of delivery suite which was brilliant as I knew I was in good hands. I started phoning my friends who were on standby to look after munchkin. no answer from one, then the other- yikes! But rang the landline of my lovely friend from twitter (waking her poor husband who had to catch a train early that morning- sorry!) and she said she’d be right over.

While waiting for her to arrive I got dressed and got bouncing on my ball and tweeting. Sounds daft but the distraction of tweeting really helped me take my mind off it plus lots of people were still awake so suddenly I had a load of cheerleaders championing me on which was awesome!

My twitter friend arrived and H busied himself with sorting Munchkins carseat and showing her the ropes while I breathed through the contractions. We got in the car and headed up to hospital (which takes about same time to walk there as it does to drive – we had talked about walking up there to help with labour progression but was too dark and cold!)

H dropped me off at front entrance and went too park. While waiting inthe foyer for him I realised I was hungry and had forgotten to eat again (I hadn’t eaten in 24hours when it came to pushing stage with Omble so wanted to ensure my body was fueled this time) typically H had no change to sneak something from the machine (technically not supposed to eat with an epidural but wanted to sneakily stock up before hand) but in end just wanted to get into the delivery suite and get the show on the road.

Got to the delivery suite reception and really had to breathe through a few contractions. It was nice they were staffed and friendly unlike Munchkins birth were we were hammering on a locked door with no-one answering for what felt like an eternity.

Had to give a urine sample and it surprised me that I was able to do all this stuff – felt very controlled and calm despite the contractions. Was shown to a cubicle for assessment. Contractions were getting stronger now. I needed to be on my feet and stamping through them. Got my stress balls out and squeezing them really helped. Got my visualisation pictures out although to be honest found it a bit harder to focus on getting into my safe space but instead I found chanting “my feet are not in pain my feet are not in pain” and focusing on how my feet didn’t hurt to be quite effective! The midwife came to do the assessment. Had to lie on the bed and hooked up to the feral heart rate monitor. All was good with baby. Was examined and found to be 4cm dilated and my cervix was paper thin so my epidural was allowed now. I punched the air with both arms – Yes! We asked about setting up the TENS machine (the same one that had not come out of bag for first labour!) but were been advised not to bother as my epidural would be here by time we got set up- so yet again not to be used- lucky it was a borrowed one!

While I was stamping and chanting the couple in the cubicle next to us who were there for a movement check rather than labour were sounding a bit nervous because of me. I heard a midwife apologise to them for the noise! Snigger!

We were moved to a delivery room and midwife went off to sort my notes and epidural. It had said explicitly on my notes don’t leave me on own but as it happened with everything being so calm and controlled this time I wasn’t nearly as scared. H busied himself turning the lights down low putting my little ikea bird lights on and putting my labour playlist on (I had lovely calm chilled tracks for early labour and plan was for energetic dancey tracks to help with pushing stage with an epidural (as you can’t necessarily feel to push and it’s hard work so I thought energetic music would help! But as you will see I didn’t need them!). I put a new nightie on I had brought for purpose- last time the hospital put me in a gown- was kind of nice to be in own clothes.

The contractions were getting stronger but in no time the anaesthetist was here- our MW was really pleased how fast she arrived. She scrubbed in and prepped me for the epidural. She inserted the needle into the spine which hurt a bit and took some jiggling. H decided to hide in loo at this point!? (although he held me for my last epidural with Munchkin- but then he hates needles and last time was horribly traumatic) so the midwife held onto me. The needle was finally in but then there the anaesthetist was beeped- a crash section – she had to go! She was so apologetic but I totally appreciated a crash section was more important. The needle had to be removed from my spine as the epidural wasn’t complete although at the time I swear I felt it was working but I think maybe I just had a longer gap between contractions while they were sorting it out.

So the epidural and anaesthetist have gone and my midwife has gone to try and get another anaesthetist for me. The contractions are really painful now plus the embarrassment I really need to do a poo (foolishly I had taken lactulose before I slept that night suffering from classic late pregnancy constipation- had I known I would labour that night I never would have done!) anyhow we had to buzz for help as I am still in the epidural position and all the stuff is around me plus am on a drip. They take it all away and help me to loo while being very concerned I was actually feeling urge to push the baby out. I was sure I wasn’t and said “don’t worry I have no intention of a porcelain water birth!” haha. After I had been to loo I felt much more comfortable but the contractions were such that I was shouting AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH through each one. I was noisy and mooing but it helped. The pain was getting too much now so we buzzed for help (we were on own again) and I asked for gas and air while waiting for epidural. The MW who came wasn’t my MW so had to check but soon enough they had it set up and I was shown how to use it properly this time.

I decided to lie on the bed with the head end elevated. The gas and air really helped take the edge off the pain (and with hindsight I had probably got to 6or 7cm on no pain relief at all!!!)
It did make me shiver uncontrollably though so I needed to be wrapped in blankets as I toked away. That stuff is awesome when it works!

Sometimes I would misjudge the start of a contraction and start toking then stop and go “sorry false alarm-sneaky extra hit!” which made the midwife laugh, but then the contraction would hit and I wouldn’t be off my face enough so it would hurt a lot more. There was a fair amount of mooing going on but I wasn’t shouting like I was before probably to the relief of the labour ward as it was always a lovely quiet place when I visited. I wonder if I’m the only labouring screamer in the South West!

The contractions were coming more and more often and H started timing them (though he told me after he was playing bejewelled in between them! Humph). I had my stressballs on the go squeezing them and I was grabbing H’s hand too. He started pinching the skin on my hand really hard at the peak of contractions. At the time I was like “What the fuck is he playing!” but having a much milder sharper pain to distract me from the intense pain was actually incredibly incredibly useful. My brain focused more on the hand pinch than the contraction so helped take the edge off.

The contractions were coming thick and fast and I started to suspect that my epidural would not reaapear in time. I was starting not to manage so well on the gas and air and didn’t think I could go on like that for much longer so I decided to ask for pethidine (which I really hadn’t wanted to have due to effect on baby but in absence of epidural and G&A no longer being sufficient pain relief I felt it was my only option) except just then I really felt need to push so I told midwives who had to quickly take my pants off to have a look as none of us thought we were at that stage yet (!)  and realised the baby was already on it’s way out! I was a bit overwhelmed at this point. H & the midwives were brilliant with their words of encouragement and support but I decided to just go hell for leather on the gas and air. I just toked and toked and toked til everyone seemed really far away and I was distanced from the pain. I remember thinking I am staying here in this high and happy place. I felt the baby coming out of me but I genuinely don’t remember pushing. I don’t think I did at all. It was like she glided out! (at 7lb13 after her 9lb5 big sister paving the way she probably did! Haha!). I once she was out I came back to earth a little bit but then remember being scared about the placenta coming out but the midwife reassured me that that bit shouldn’t hurt and she was right.

I was examined and told I only had a tiny tiny tear that wasn’t even worth stitching so we agreed to leave it. I was utterly buzzing. I kept going on and on about how I’d managed it on just gas and air. I couldn’t believe it! I had a lovely long cuddle with Womble (or Omble as she is now known as out of the womb) and I still needed gas and air for a bit for the immediate after pains (bloody love that stuff!). I tried to get Omble latched on and she did have a bit of a suckle but wasn’t really interested. I got tweeting again and was overwhelmed by all the lovely best wishes etc.

Finally ready for a bath and H had a cuddle with Omble then some tea &toast before moving up to the ward. H even went home to take Munchkin to nursery (Omble was born at 5.20am after a 3hour official labour from arrival at hospital- 4hours if you count bit at home. 10minute second stage (pushing) and 5min third stage (delivery of placenta).

I genuinely could not have wished for a better birth experience. Yes the lack of planned early epidural wasn’t ideal but I managed fine without it and in fact am kinda glad I didn’t have one as it proved me and my body could do it and it totally laid all the ghosts of Munchkins birth to rest. Plus meant we got to go home the same day.

Alongside my wedding day, having Omble is one of best days of my life (and obviously having Munchkin is a best thing too but can’t pinpoint a day with her- maybe leaving NICU or her getting all clear at 4months).

So home water birth next time…….

*watch this space*

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A Birth Story in Tweets

Below are all the general tweets I sent whilst in labour on the 9th Jan! Bizarrely I recommend twittering as a distraction from early labour pain! It really helped focused my mind on something else- plus it was lovely to receive some brilliant supportive messages and tweets whilst going through it! Also fab to have a real time memento of the birth. #babycurd was a hashtag we came up with as it links into my locked twitter account name. I will post a full birth story when I get chance but now I need to breastfeed!

Tweeting timeline

10:14 PM (8th January)-Time to sleep. No Womble is imminent signs at all today. think it could be weeks yet 😦 (well 2.5wks til they send the cavalry in for her!)

9th January 2012

1:36 AM-Awake as things are ouchy but not ouchy enough to be anything exciting. Sigh. Full moon today therefore today is day according to TWITTER USER X

1:54 AM-Waters just gone. Painstarting. #womblewatch is a go! Fuck! #babycurd is coming!

2:02 AM Off to hospital if can get someone to look after Munchkin. TWITTER USER Y appears to be asleep and don’t like to ring house phone!

2:17 AM Yay TWITTER USER Y is coming to rescue. Contractions every few minutes. But not lasting long and not screaming yet. 🙂 #babycurd

2:22 AM Bit excited now. The labour ward co-ordinator who I met with head of delivery suite is on duty. She is ace so that’s good. 🙂

2:24 AM I can wear slippers round to hospital right? Hope everything is in my bag! contractions getting ouchier. #babycurd

2:26 AM Bouncing on my birthing ball til TWITTER USER Y gets here. Breathing and visualisations working so far. H is sorting carseat etc. #babycurd

2:27 AM May not be able to tweet from hospital but it’s defo helping me now. Shame the majority of you are asleep!

2:33 AM Having to grab onto H a bit during contractions. Getting a bit vocal! Need to get to hospital for my early epidural! #babycurd

2:37 AM The wonderful wonderful TWITTER USER Y has arrived! Showing her what’s what then off to hospital! Hope Munchkin not too confused when she wakesup

2:46 AM Bollocks forgot to eat summat before leaving for hospital. Same rookie mistake as last time! Am hungry.

2:49 AM At the hospital. H parking. I’m in pain gonna stop tweeting soon til epidural in at least #babycurd

2:50 AM Singing “my toes not in pain, my toes not in pain, my toes not in pain” actually really helps with the pain! Haha #babycurd

3:01 AM Waiting to be seen by midwives. Nice and calm on labour ward. I can do this RAWR.

3:16 AM Ouchy forgot how not fun contractions were! Every few mins and OUCHY. Waiting for checks then epidural

3:32 AM 4cm dilated. Waiting for anaesthetist to get out of theatre. Stress balls helping. Music on. Midwife lovely. Despite pain am ok.#babycurd

4:11 AM Sigh epidural in but not properly anaesthetist called to crash section. Waiting for someone else. Not fun 😦 but obvs other lady priority

5:34 AM She’s here!!!!!!!! All well, no epidural !!! Dad (H tweeted this for me. She had been delivered 14mins before!)

6:00 AM Fuck me I did it on gas&air!? Womble is here. Epidural didn’t happen. We DID IT!!!!!! #babycurd #womblewatch

6:26 AM Having best cuddle with Omble as she is now known. Struggling to latch but we’ll work it out. Still on G&A for afterpains!

6:41 AM Mmm tea and toast! Omble having first feed and just weed on me. #thatsmagirl

Tweet from H: 6:37 AM New arrival; express delivery. [photo removed]

6:44 AM Can I just add- no stitches! Tiny tear but all fine. Not had her weighed yet. Gobsmacked I did it!

6:46 AM Midwife said first time in 20years had happened that was so busy I couldnt get my epidural. Typical! Though didn’t really need it so much

6:47 AM Gas and air -marvellous stuff! I had a baby with no more than G&A!? Blardy hell! #babycurd

7:03 AM Baby Curd is 7lb 13oz and 56cm long! So so proud. Might cry!

7:39 AM H going to check on Munchkin. I’m bathed and dressed. Omble is having a nice snooze. So so so different to last time!

8:06 AM My thoughtful new baby girl!  [photo removed]

8:12 AM Me & Omble moving up to ward. Might be home tonight! #babycurd

8:46 AM On the ward now. Tired but exhilarated. Omble still asleep. Not really had proper feed yet. Hoping to go home tonight! #babycurd

9:12 AM H just informed me he was playing bejewelled in between timing contractions! They were every minute. The bugger! Haha

10:29 AM Struggling to get Omble latched on but given her expressed colostrum – she’s sleepy. Waiting for lactation consultant.

10:31 AM Amused that just my luck meant my very nearly finished epidural had to be ended for crash section but in end ’twas fine without!

10.32 AM At no point in Omble’s delivery did I want to (or think I was going to) die. Just off my tits on gas &air. 🙂

10:33 AM Head of delivery suite just been into see us. She is so chuffed! Am going to be writing to chief exec about her awesomeness!

10:35 AM Omble is awake! 5hours old #babycurd

11:13 AM Skin to Skin with Omble Curd  [photo removed]

11:32 AM The tweet I sent just before my waters went!: Time to sleep. No Womble is imminent signs at all today think it could be weeks yet

1:04 PM Time for both Omble &I to snooze although I am completely BUZZING so may struggle.

1:35 PM remembering more comedic aspects of labour- Needing loo MW worrying It was baby&me shouting “not having a porcelain water birth!” @Twitteruser

1:49 PM Chilling with daddy  [photo removed]

2:23 PM Although I was bit cringy about live tweeting the birth am going to archive them as fab memento of today! 😀

2:39 PM Just reading my labour notes. 1st stage 1hr 40mins. 2nd stage: 10mins and 3rd stage 5mins. Check. Me. Out. #babycurd

4:52 PM The Curds are home! Munchkin back from nursery in an hour to meet her new sister! Yikes! Omble has slept most of day!

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Womble was born at 5.30 this am. Only gas air in end!! (epidural went awry and will post birth story when I can).

Shes 7lb13oz and was an absolute dream delivery. No stitches! Tiny tear.

Am buzzing and ghost of munchkins birth put to bed now for good! Amazing!
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12 days to go. Still not scared?!

Still bemused how relaxed I am about going into labour, am utterly amazed that 4weeks ago post the growth scan I was a bit of a mess about my birth options and yet here I am confidently preparing to aim for a vaginal birth.

I don’t have any flashbacks at all now to Munchkin’s birth, I no longer feel a sense of dread on entering the hospital or dealing with midwives.  I am calmy confident that this time it will be different to Munchkin and it will be okay and it will be better.

Its very odd.  I have a friend who lives across the road from me who happens to be due the same day as me. This week she found out her baby is breech, her ECV failed so she is booked in for a section on the 10th.  When I found this out I was really sad for her and oddly jealous too.  I think this is because I wouldn’t mind if I had a “good reason” like a breech baby for a C-Section and I would happily swap places with her!

Don’t get me wrong I am no longer in a place of being Miss Judgypants for “some reasons for C-sections being better than others” (eg. for a breech being better than for tokophobia) because that really isn’t the case at all.  If I was genuinely still scared of a vaginal birth then there would be no stopping me getting an ELCS but I simply can’t justify making that choice to myself when I am not that scared anymore (and the baby isn’t big enough and there are no other physical reasons to justify it).   In a way I kinda wish I was still scared as I kinda feel CS is the safer less scary less traumatic less painful option in a weird way but I have decided to give a VB my best shot and with any luck it will be the healing experience I need and deserve.

Weirdly one of my biggest fears around going for a VB was if it all goes wrong again then I felt I would be mentally fucked, but I have been weighing up the risks of that- it is unlikely that my second birth will go as badly as my first but even if it does end up in forceps or emergency C-section- so long as I am properly supported by the health care professionals looking after me and me and Womble are alive and healthy at the end of it- then it really doesn’t matter.  I think I now have the tools to feel ok with whatever happens and not be such a control freak about it.  I won’t feel like a failure or guilty if I don’t get womble out by myself like I did with munchkin because now I have a new mantra a midwife friend shared with me that has really helped “Babies are born how they need to be born”- sounds a bit daft but it makes sense to me- so will just go with the flow and see what happens.

Wish me luck!


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Birth Preferences for #2.

So here is my birth preferences for Womble. I wrote them with advice and support from head of delivery suite and my consultant. Who knows what will happen, I know that it may not get stuck too but heck it helps having it written down as a masterplan.  Rereading it yesterday did make me a bit upset.  I don’t think necessarily because of what is to come with birthing Womble but for the references to what passed with Munchkin. I suppose even though I think I am mentally in a million times better place than I was before- I will always feel a bit of sadness about how Munchkin entered the world. But that’s okay.

Birth Preferences 

IMPORTANT:  XXXX has suffered PTSD since extremely traumatic birth of her daughter 23months ago (Failed pain relief, forceps, episiotomy, oxygen starved 9.5lb large baby with pneumonia in NICU for a week and brain scan revealed hypoxic injury).  It has taken a massive amount of work to get XXXX to stage of trying for a vaginal birth again (originally an Elective C-section was agreed).  Please do everything possible to support XXXX and minimise the trauma. 

***Very real risk of mental breakdown if another traumatic birth is experienced.***

The aim is to get the baby out with minimal trauma to baby or mother.

Birth Partners:

 Key Points

  • Early Epidural If I go into spontaneous labour then I am willing to give it my best shot to give birth vaginally however the priority in labour needs to be keeping me feeling as calm and as safe as possible so I don’t end up with any further mental trauma so I want an epidural as soon as I am in established labour. Dear Anaesthetist please don’t leave me until you are positive the epidural has worked properly- last time my first epidural failed and I was left for another few hours in agony before another anaesthetist could be found to site a second epidural that did work.
  • Monitoring the baby – any concerns at all with the baby- meconium or worrying oxygen levels etc then I want a CS unless there is a very good reason not to do that at that point in time. Please talk me and my husband through this.  Our first daughter was extremely ill due to her labour and we are obviously very keen to avoid a repeat of that experience.
  • No delay in the second stage – if pushing isn’t working for me again (baby is in 90th centile for head circumference!) and the baby is showing any signs of distress then I want intervention to expedite delivery- however I will absolutely refuse the use of the Keillands high rotational forceps.  Obviously I am keen to avoid another forceps/episiostomy delivery but I do recognise that in some cases this is preferable to a CS where the baby has to be moved back up the birth canal. So please try and discuss my options with me as much as possible.
  • Induction– Unless I have an epidural in I will refuse all forms of induction including prostin, ARM and syntocin drip. I have a further appointment at 40W+1 to discuss options if I do go overdue.

During labour

Panic- I am going to do everything I can not to panic and freak out and I have been using a hypnobirthing CD to try and stay in calm.  You can help me by doing the following:

  • Don’t leave me on my own (this is very important- my husband and I were left on our own a lot during previous labour). If you have to leave me- reassure me and tell me when you will be back and please be as quick as possible.
  • Please be nice to me, reassure me, even hug me or stroke my arm or whatever.  I respond very well to reassurance and touch.  Tell me I am doing well.
  • Help me with my breathing and visualisations to stay calm.
  • Things that may help me stay calm:
    • Focusing on my breathing- in through my nose out through my mouth
    • Focus on parts of my body not in discomfort- eg my big toe!
    • Visualising a large comfort dial and turning the pain down
    • Reminding me that soon I will get to meet my baby and the pain will stop.
    • Saying 3,2,1 Relax during contractions (part of hypnotbirthing)
    • Supporting me to visualise my meadow safe space and my ladybird visualisation as part of that. (see additional sheet)
  • Keep the environment calm- lights down low and soothing music- maybe even being in water.

Pain Relief:

I intend to come to the hospital as soon as I think I am in labour so I can hopefully get my early epidural.
Alternate Pain relief choices- if for any reason I can’t get my epidural early enough.

– Early stages

  • Willing to try Massage, TENS (have a pack in my birthbag), Birthing ball and staying as mobile and upright, warm water in early stages.
  • Gas and air (Entonox) – this didn’t really work for me last time as I wasn’t shown how to use it properly and it made me a bit sick but I sort of got the hang of it towards the end- please support me with using it properly if I wanted it in early labour but I want an epidural for the pushing stage and would prefer not to use gas and air for the second stage really as I found it made me unable push effectively.
  • Being in water
  • Pethidine as an absolute last resort if there is no epidural available when I really need one then I am willing to try pethidine (but I really don’t want too because of impact on breastfeeding)

Established Labour and delivery- I want and need an epidural!!!!!


My husband and I have agreed that it might be better if he wasn’t present for the pushing stage as I need to focus my energy on pushing and not worrying about what he is experiencing. However this may change on the day so we will see.

I am unwilling to delivery on my back with my legs in stirrups. Ideally I want to be as upright as possible maybe in some kind of supported squat or on all fours but I do recognise this may not be possible because of the epidural- in which case I’d like to try lying on my side.

Please give me as much advice as is necessary, particularly regarding when to push and when not to push. If I am unable to feel the contractions properly because of the epidural it maybe beneficial for me to watch the monitor so I know when to start pushing. Please don’t shout at me “push out a poo” as that is pretty much all I remember lots of people shouting from my daughter’s birth!

Please advise me if you think a different position may be beneficial.  I am extremely concerned that I won’t be able to push another baby out but I did get my giant headed 9.5lb daughter to very almost out but her distress and my exhaustion meant she had to be assisted out, so I am hopeful that given my body has done it once before then I will be able to manage it this time- please be as positive as you can with me but if you are worried about the baby focus on getting her out.

Third stage:
• I did not get to hold my daughter properly until she was 24hours old.  This was devastating.  If all goes well this time I would like the baby to be wiped clean quickly before having skin-to-skin contact for at least an hour following the birth if medically possible to try to help establish breastfeeding.

• I would like the cord to have stopped pulsating before it is cut (obviously if medically possible.)
• I have no real preference between physiological rather than a managed third stage, whichever is best at the time.

• My skin scars very badly (Keloid scarring)- for any stitches please can you put your best sewer on the job!
Post natal:
• I would like to be able to breast feed as soon as possible after birth. I was able to predominantly breastfeed my daughter but it was an incredibly difficult struggle due to the a breast reduction, flat nipples, an extremely ill tube fed baby who lost 14% of body weight and also turned out to be tongue tied! Please can I see a breastfeeding counsellor post-natally especially to check this baby for tongue tie and for support in the early days.

  • I have built up a supply of frozen colostrum for my baby- my husband can pop home and get it if needed for any reason.

    • We would like our baby to receive a vitamin K injection.




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Ladybird on a Lightstream- visualisations

Just back from working out some visualisations with my CBT therapist.  My meadow one is still the masterplan but I found it harder and harder to focus on staying in that safe space as I had made the background so rich so my attention kept dashing about a bit.  So I found I was often focusing on looking at a ladybird crawling along a blade of grass.  This is a better more focused image for me. I am still in my meadow safe space but I have a specific image to focus on.  For the next few weeks I am going to practice a few times a day using my ladybird trigger if I get anxious or upset to take me to my calm relaxed place. I know it sounds ridiculously airy fairy and I am as cynical as they come when it comes to stuff like this but it really does work!

The next visualisation we did was lightstream.  To imagine whatever was distressing me as a shape (I guess it will be labour pains) which today I did as a big black jaggedy cloud rumbling thunder, and to imagine a light stream coming down and filling my body with this glowing golden shimmery sparkly twinkling awesome light, and the black jaggedy cloud got engulfed and eaten up by it and I felt better. Not sure it will defo work in labour but am definitely willing to give it a go- it also matches some of the hypnobirthing I have been doing so it will be helpful.

So I guess I will mix and match these (and put trigger words and details in my birth plan so the people looking after me can help me) to help me keep calm and focused in labour.

Got a printed pic of my meadow pic in my labour notes and think will do same with the ladybird pic. I even laminated it because I am so so cool like that! (Geek teacher)

Anyone else use any visualisations to help them?


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37 weeks- 3 weeks left. *runs round like headless chicken- panicking*

So in the next three weeks I need to:

  • Finish reading This book and actually practice the techniques.
  • Listen to my hypnobirthing CD everyday.
  • Practice my visualisations to help keep calm.
  • Bounce and wiggle on my birth ball
  • Express colostrum three times a day
  • Drink raspberry leaf tea and take the capsules.
  • Finish off my comedy birthing compilation music.
  • Pack my birth bag properly.
  • Actually read the TENS instructions and make H read them too so we remember to try and use it this time.
  • In fact need to share a few bits of book/CD/visualisations with H so he can help me focus on them. Although liklihood is I will be swearing at him again and refusing to listen to him because he got me into this!- Sorry H in advance!
  • Get the rest of the baby stuff down from the loft and get it set up
  • Finish off last bits of work work I need to do so can properly enjoy mat leave. Might not happen- that massive pile of papers by my desk is probably not going to get sorted out -sigh.
  • Enjoy Christmas and my family of three before we become a family of 4!
  • Oh and try and rest!

Whew am tired just reading that!

See wouldn’t bother with any of this if I was having a section. Sigh. Making more work for myself wasn’t part of the plan. Grrrr!

Ah well- looking forward to our first cuddle Womble- however you end up getting here!



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