Conversation with my consultant today.
Me: “if this goes to plan I deserve a medal”
Her: “your reward will be your baby”
Me: “fine I will spray paint her gold and hang her round my neck”
Consultant smiles faintly looking bemused
Hehe not everyone appreciates my sense of humour. Ah well.
But seriously I want a medal or at least some major recognition what a MASSIVE SHIFT this has been for me and what a MASSIVE ACHIEVEMENT this is going to be for me. 25weeks ago I was at a place where I felt I had to threaten termination if they wouldn’t let me have an elective c-section (I don’t think this is ever a course of action I actually would have pursued but shows my strength of feeling that another vaginal birth was NOT an option.) and now here I am actually looking forward to going into labour in my lovely hospital (so long as I get my early epidural) and meeting womble and I feel that this time can and will be positive even if it ends in another assisted delivery/emCS- which is something I was too scared to even contemplate before.
So this just shows how massively massively far I come (and most of change has been in last two weeks oddly enough).
So yeah I bloody will want a medal but I also want to record who/what helped me get here:
A) having the elective section agreed if I wanted without having to fight too hard in the FIRST trimester. This gave me the mental space and security to explore my options properly. Otherwise rest of pregnancy would have focused on getting an ELCS agreed rather than my options.
B) having access to high quality CBT and EMDR to process the previous birth properly once and for all. Absolutely phenomenal stuff and it has been fucking hard to work through but I am virtually healed from all the bad stuff of before.
C) having unlimited support from the lovely head of the delivery suite talking through preferences and policy/procedures at hospital so that I now feel truly confident in my hospital and that I will be properly looked after and supported this time and so what happened last time is very very unlikely to happen again. Also extra appointments to chat to my midwife, consultant, an anaesthetist, breastfeeding counsellor, have all helped me feel confident it can be okay this time.
So anyhow it’s 2am I have pregnancy insomnia. I should sleep but I might just have to go google “baby friendly gold spray paint” in meantime! 😉