Hmmmmm well this is MOST unexpected.
I was utterly convinced baby would be big and therefore ELCS would be easy decision. But then she was “bigger than average” but not massive but does have a big head but for some completely unknown reason this doesn’t seem to bother me like I expected it too. I mean seriously what is my brain doing!? I am so confused. I have gone from “I want a termination if I can’t have an ELCS because I can never ever ever go through that again” to seemingly actively choosing a VB?!
That is quite a major major shift. I think what it is is I am being so incredibly incredibly well supported by my hospital. I am having so many appointments in coming weeks to help me plan a VB however I want it and they will do their utmost to support me that I am not scared anymore. I trust the hospital and I know that if it goes wrong again it will be just one of those things but so long as they support me and explain all the options to me then I think it will be okay.
I truly believe I didn’t let munchkin down now during her birth. What happened was utterly awful but there actually was NOTHING more I could have done and that makes me feel okay for this one because I’m pretty sure that this time I am choosing to VB not with idea of proving to anyone else/or myself I can do it but because it feels like the the way I want her to be born (if possible)- because I want to be able to hold her straight after, I want my milk to come in okay so I can breastfeed her and I want to be able to pick her up in the few days after she is born not taking a few weeks to recover from a section. I just feel going into a C-section isn’t necessarily the right decision for me unless there is a better reason for it and I am not sure I am sufficiently scared enough of childbirth anymore to actually justify it (although the big head is still a ponderance!!!). So MAJOR SHIFT ALERT!
Still not planning anything other than a “GIVE ME ALL THE DRUGS YOU CAN AND THEN SOME BIRTH” sod natural delivery and highs and all that gubbins – in order for me to do this I need to know I can get proper pain relief. Meeting an anaesthetist on friday to discuss best epidural options for me and then the head of delivery suite to create a proper master plans birth preferences list (with all alternatives laid out for as many eventualities as we can think of)
Of course this may all change with the first proper contraction and I will be screaming for an ELCS again.
But this is where I am at right now in the decision. Reserve the right to change my mind next week.