Ponderances on triggers

So I have just been doing some bloggage about writing letters requesting ELCS and rereading mine made me cry.

It’s the following statements in the letter:

“I cannot risk losing or damaging any more babies and I feel that ELCS is my best option in this case.”

And

“currently it is extremely important for me to know that I am not going to be forced to give birth vaginally ”

and

“urgently need the XXX hosptial to agree to my request for an ELCS so that I can stop worrying about having to “fight” for an ELCS (which I currently feel is the best option for me) and get on with enjoying the rest of my pregnancy.  I found myself crying “if I can’t have an ELCS then I want a termination” during my appointment with birth reflections midwife”

Obviously I am worried about Womble making it into the world okay and I worry so much about how all the stress particularly recently has affected her.  So clearly I am suffering from classic “mother’s guilt” about not being able to control completely for what happens to her and I am just trying to do my best by her.

The other thing making me well up is how much my letter was pleading them to agree it (which they did!)- the whole “fight for a C-section” issue massively affected me and how stressful it was  when for me it only went on for a couple of months and was agreed very quickly. Women shouldn’t be made to beg or plead for a birth option that they know they need and are making an informed decision on.  My huge issue with Munchkin’s birth was the complete loss of control and lack of care or compassion shown to me during this time- the fact I am then put in position of being vulnerable towards healthcare professionals after such a bad experience last time I think upsets me again- its the loss of autonomy.

So yeah bit surprised to have been triggered today when I haven’t for weeks but it wasn’t so bad especially now I have rationalised it a bit on here.

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About LadyCurd

Likes ladybirds & lemon curd. On reflection combining the two names was a mistake.
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One Response to Ponderances on triggers

  1. Pingback: CBT appointment 8- still cured. :) | childbirthptsdandme

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